So I'm home from the bike trip. And I'm trying to find out what life without choir is really like. I'm taking it day by day and seeing what is in store for me. And battling some of my demons. . . . .like how to structure an unstructured day. But all in all it's going well.
But the days are getting shorter and I don't have TV yet because I'm DETERMINED to not have it until the elections are over. I can't bear the ads. But I'm missing the Redskins games. And Downton Abbey. And the other 3 shows I truly like but can't remember right now.
So I have been working myself through my CD library of about a dozen movies I like. Done.
And then there are the VHS tapes. Luckily, one of the things that made the radical cut when I was throwing away almost everything I owned was the tv/vhs combo. I kept it because I still had VHS tapes I love. So I've watched my favorites. Because the nights are longer now and I'm alone and books are great but sound is nice too.
So tonight, for the first time in several years, I dug out the old home movies. I bought my first video camera in 1992. That seems so long ago. But my boys were already 10 and 14. And on Christmas of that year, the taping began.
Tonight, on a whim, I put that very first of many VHS tapes in the machine. And I was carried back to Christmas of 1992. Dave was spending Christmas with us because I guess his kids were with their mother. So we have him taping Christmas eve and Christmas morning. And suddenly tonight, I'm watching my life, almost 20 years ago.
And there are my precious boys. . . . ages 10 and 14. There is our townhouse. There is Clyde our beloved rescue dog. There are the presents. There is the dynamic of our household. And I am transported back in time.
There are no words to describe how it feels, now that I know what my kids are doing these 20 years later, to see them back then. To watch them open each and every gift. To see how I wrapped up socks and underwear so that they would have a pile of gifts to unwrap. To see how they bravely acted excited when they opened the package and it was books!!! To remember what it was like as a single parent to be up for weeks prior to the day buying and wrapping so that Christmas could be magic. And to really see that it was magic.
And technology! Don't get me started. In 1992 when Chad's "big" gift was a CD stereo set from Kmart, and Casey's was a set of roller blades, what really got them focused was the "Language Master," an electronic dictionary with a voice that pronounced the words you spelled. I bought it ostensibly for Casey. . . who, due to his Learning Differences, needed it for definitions and spelling for his school work. But to see Chad usurp it on Christmas morning and proceed to type in "dirty" words so that the machine would pronounce the words. . . . well. . . . tonight, like that morning so long ago. . . I laughed til I cried. Seriously, I had to get a second glass of wine. Chad's idea of a "dirty" word back then. . . . "castration." So I'm sitting on the couch tonight, watching my beautiful boys, attended by the unforgettable Clyde the dog, open gifts. And I see Chad typing into the new machine and hear the electronic voice saying "ca-stra-tion." And I hear my boys cackling and I am just tortured by the memories. I'm laughing and crying at the same time all over again.
People often talk about their "lost loves." And, as a single woman, I have my lost loves. But my true lost loves are those boys that I raised. And I am so happy that they are off in their adult worlds living their remarkably successful lives. . . Chad now a successful radio personality in a major market. . . . Casey beginning his new job as a big shot at IBM. And I remember them chortling over "castration" and "ass" and all those words boys find hilarious. And now, 20 years later, I watch that scene that I remember having lived , and I know the ending. . . .at least up til now. And it's a whole different story. It's gut wrenching. And sad. And hilarious. And lovely. All at the same time.
Remarkable.
