SEPARATING THE STUFF FROM THE TREASURE

I went to a party last night.  George the Trainer and his lovely wife Beth the Vet and their nearly 2 year old offspring Anisten the Adorable hosted their annual "Thank the Clients" party at their home in Shipman, Virginia.  All my work-out buddies and their spouses were there.  It is always interesting to see each other cleaned up and in nice clothes.  


I'm not a fan of parties.  For one thing, I'm so auditorally distractible that being in a room full of people having separate conversations is like an egg beater going off in my head.  For another thing, it's hard to stay on any eating plan at a party. . . . for me.  You're sipping wine and grabbing things off trays with wild abandon and the next thing you know the 16 pounds that it's taken 7 months to lose have miraculously found their way back to your hips in one frickin' night!!


But last night the party was out on their deck which dispersed the noise.  And the food was delicious and healthy.   I nursed one glass of wine, one plate of Asian-themed food. . . . only went back for seconds on the non-creamy cole slaw (for some reason these days I can't get enough cabbage.  Hey - I never claimed to be normal!).   Then George in his wisdom (and probably to assure the continuance of his business) decided that the dessert table was the exact table I was sitting at.   So here came a tray of small squares of Hershey dark chocolate. . . each one having been dipped in peanut butter, almonds and dried cranberries.    YIKES!!!    But wait. . . . .there's more! Here comes a plate of chocolate covered toffee. . . like a bowl of Heath bars already unwrapped.   In reaching distance!   Double YIKES! But wait. . . . . there's more!  Here comes a large bowl into which has been combined angel food cake cut in squares,  whipped cream blobs, strawberries and blueberries (red, white, and blue!).  And a HUGE spoon to dish it out.  


I have been on a figurative desert island for months with no desserts in sight.  Now here is the mother lode of desserts right in front of me.   Let's just say I'm not getting on the scale again any time soon.  But ahhhh. . . .what culinary delights!


Another thing that made the party great is that I landed at a table with people I did not know, and who decided that my life was worth talking about.   I've never shied away from being the center of attention.  One of the labels I carry around here is "she's the woman who renovated the little house."  So the subject at the table quickly turned to everyone's frustrations with downsizing.  I seem to have some notoriety around here because I have actually done this.  Many others it seems only dream about it.  And then there's the ubiquitous dynamic  of the husband (or wife) that is willing, but their wife (or husband) is the culprit.   I was sitting with one such couple last night.


And the discussion turned to how difficult it is to let our stuff go.  And it is.  I have been downsizing for about 10 years now.  And I'm in the final stages.   I still have a few boxes out in the storage shed in my back yard.  And I will eventually go through each and everyone of them.  There is a little space still left in my one closet.


When I go through the boxes, I am literally touching each and every thing I own. This in itself is a significant experience.  You are traipsing through your own life, and revisiting each decision you have made to keep the item, and why it was necessary to keep it.  I have asked myself the following questions literally thousands of times now:  What is the place that this item has in my life? How did I acquire it?  Who do I associate this with (this is SO often the case!)?  Is this a good memory or a bad memory?  Why have I kept it?  What is its function? (Often the answer to this one is:  to take up space in a box on a shelf!)  Is it worth it for me to be literally renting space for this object to live in?   Is there someone out there who would enjoy owning this, and might actually use it rather than have it stashed in a box?  In my quest to live a life that outreaches to others, can this item make someone else happy? 


And with all those questions running through my head, I plow through the boxes. At first it is excruciating to part with some things.  But once you have that "give away" box going, it becomes easier and easier to part with the stuff. Suddenly you have a major purge going on and it starts to feel so good!


And the "stuff" starts to go.  And every so often your hands land on something, long forgotten, that you recognize as treasure.   The treasure that has been drowning in the stuff for so long that you forgot you even had it.


Treasure does not get thrown away.   Here's an example of treasure that I found the other day, and I'm still trembling with the joy of finding it again.


Background:  I raised my two boys alone from the time they were 4 and 7 years old.  I did my best.  I thought I was doing everything right.  Not having ever been around a boy beyond the age of 14 (the year my brother left for military school), I really had no clue about adolescent boys.  As a result, both of them decided to go and live with their dad.  One day, out of the blue, after all those years and with no warning, I was in a premature empty nest.   Those were my darkest days.  I was stunned and devastated and literally nauseous with grief.  I had spent 10 years busting my ass to raise my two sons.  We read libraries full of books together.  We went on summer vacations to the Smokey Mountains.  I attended hundreds of basketball, football and soccer games. . . sometimes needing to be at two different games at the same time.  Suddenly it was all gone and I was left with the dog and two boys who preferred not to have anything to do with me.   In hindsight it was a necessary step for them to take in their development.  And it was a painful reality check for me.   And it was a very long road back to a place eventually where we were all on an even keel.  And sometimes even now the keel is not quite as even as I would like it to be.  And before I leave this paragraph, lest I sound like a victim, let me own up to the fact that I gave them reasons to go.  I was not blameless in this dynamic.  I take responsibility for my failures.


So anyway. . . . . . I'm going through a box of "stuff" and tossing and sorting.  And my hands come upon a folded-over yellow legal pad page.  On the outside is my handwriting of the phrase "Go forward with courage and good will."  I'm always scribbling down phrases I hear or see.  They are everywhere on everything I own.  This phrase has nothing to do with what was inside this legal sheet.  It had just been a piece of paper available when that phrase had struck me as being worthy of being written down!


Inside the paper was the treasure.  A letter.  From Casey.  Dated 12/20/06.  I believe he was still in Atlanta when he wrote this to me for Christmas.  

For the record, I am now a present-Nazi.  As in "Don't give me any presents!"  My mom used to be this way and I hated her for it.  And now I'm where she was.  Having disposed of so much stuff, I don't want any more stuff.  And now I have no where to put any more stuff.  My boys know this.   Keep this in mind as you read what Casey wrote to me in 2006.  (This is a direct quote of the letter.  Nothing in this next part is added by me.)


12/20/06


Mom,


From the second I started reading this book I knew that I would send it to you.  It's right up our alley (who knew we had an alley!).  Anyway this was a book I wanted to read with you but the hundred of miles in between us makes that somewhat difficult.  So what I did was,  I read the book and every time I liked a passage or something struck me as particularly profound I underlined it.  I wrote my thoughts or ideas in the margins.  I hope this will replicate us reading it together.   Anyway, sit down & dive in.  I read all but 30 pages the first night so I am sure you will finish this quick.  Anyway this book was hard to give up but 10 pages into it I knew I would.  Merry Christmas!


Love,  Casey






This is treasure.  If I had not gone through all my "stuff" I would have forgotten this.   This should not be forgotten.  This is treasure.


For the record:  The book he sent me was called Golfing with God: A Novel of Heaven and Earth by Roland Merullo.  And it was everything he said it was.  And we did eventually discuss it.